The Ranch

I lived on a ranch. A small ranch, but still most of the people chose to wear overalls. The ranchhouse only had one bathroom, and it was large. On one side of the large bathroom was an old-fashioned jailcell. Don't ask me why - it just came with the house. On the other side of the bathroom was a toilet and sink. No tub. So what with the jailcell (large enough for 4-5 people), the toilet and the sink, the large bathroom felt kind of cramped.

Anyway. That's not my dream. My dream is this.

I lived on this small ranch with my family. One day, the ranch was visited by a couple of international criminals (disguised as normal people in overalls), and black ops agents with no insignia on their very expensive black kevlar coated outfits. They may have been government agents, but could just have easily been on the other side. And Tea Leoni was there too. Somehow, the kevlar-coated agents backed the two international criminals into the jailcell in the bathroom without the rest of my family knowing. I sent Tea Leoni in there, because I needed her to distract the main bad guy long enough for me to kill him. After all, if I didn't kill him, he could hurt my family, or escape, or...I dunno, something. She distracted him by going down on him. I was surprised - I thought she was more cleancut than that, and she's married to David Duchovny and everything. But I shook off my surprise, and shot the main bad guy. And then the other bad guy. And then there was a lot of shooting, and it turned out that I had shot and killed everyone in the room. I had shot them so much, and so violently, that their body parts were in bloody chunks (mostly in the jail cell, but some had oozed past the bars.) Some of the smaller chunks had disintegrated into piles of dirt.

I looked around and realized that I had to get it all cleaned up, and get rid of the evidence before anyone found out what happened. I started to clean up, but it was all just so overwhelming. Then my brother (or was it my sister?) started pounding on the bathroom door. We only had the one bathroom, and they had to go. Bad. I looked around. There was absolutely no way I would be able to clean up the remains before the rest of my family needed to use the bathroom. I had to think fast. I realized, with relief, that I didn't have to clean up all the bodies. I could just tell everybody the truth, that there were two criminals that had come to the house, and some guys in kevlar, and Tea Leoni, and I had shot the main baddie out of self-defense and good old American vigilantism. Then bullets started flying, and everybody else wound up dead. I was just about ready to open the door when I realized that ballistics would prove that all the bullets had come from my gun. I was trapped after all.